Why I do what I do

I get questions all the time about why I push so hard, why I like to exercise so much, why I "deprive" myself of living and enjoying life (because eating unhealthy food, and sitting on the couch is "living" and "enjoying" life, I guess), why I have such lofty goals, why those goals are so important to me, what do I really want anyway? The list of questions goes on and on. It's funny really because I am a highly competitive person. This includes being competitive with myself. So to me, the answer should be obvious, right? Well for those who still have questions here's why.

Some of you may have heard of a man named Jack LaLanne. He's an American Icon for health and fitness and an inspiration to me, most people know him as the "juicer guy" but he's so much more than that. He just recently had a birthday on Saturday, September 26. He is now 95 years old and hasn't slowed down a bit:) This blog shares a few of his accomplishments. So why do I mention this man...well here's a little quote on why Jack trains the way he does which expresses almost exactly how I feel about it. "I train like I'm training for the Olympics or for a Mr. America contest, the way I've always trained my whole life. You see, life is a battlefield. Life is survival of the fittest. How many healthy people do you know? How many happy people do you know? Think about it. People work at dying, they don't work at living. My workout is my obligation to life. It's my tranquilizer. It's part of the way I tell the truth--and telling the truth is what's kept me going all these years." I want to reiterate that this man is 95 years old and shows no signs of slowing down.

So why do I do what I do?! To live my best life. It's simple really. I am in competition with myself, and frankly I like to sweat and burn. I like the sweat dripping off my face, and I LOVE feeling my muscles scream for relief. I know it sounds incredibly strange, but I truly love the way I feel after. After a hard workout I always feel...fit. And like most of the women I workout with know, I can come in pretty grumpy and leave completely happy. Exercise makes me happy. Because an angry Lyenna is not a fun person to be with:)

I am not nearly as disciplined as Jack Lalanne, but I'd like to be. I often wonder where people, like Jack, get their will-power because what I've found is it boils down to what goes on in my head. I've gotten a lot better, but it's taken a lot of practice. I don't think practicing ever stops though.

Always be better than you were the day before. Those are the words I live by.

I'm Okay

Blogging really is theraputic, as my very wise cousin Tina, put it. So here I am once again blogging for the 3rd time in a matter of days. I think the Roush emotions swing high and low on a day to day, and minute by minute basis.

I want to first give a shout out to the people who love me. THANK YOU!!! If it were not for you and your cheering, I would be a sad sort indeed. Life is quite an adventure...

This leads me to why I'm blogging. I have been humbled today. I was thinking about all the things I have been complaining about and I realize I have brought a lot of it on myself. I have learned, in a not so pleasant way, that what I think, manifests itself because I look for it to validate why I think that way. Okay let me explain. If I feel insecure about, lets say, what I'm wearing, I automatically feel like everyone is looking at me because I am uncomfortable in what I'm wearing. Then if a comment is made, even if it is innocent in it's intent, I have a tendency to manipulate it and turn it into something much bigger than what it was because of what my thought was originally. This could be said about a lot of things in life. If you believe people don't like you, you will find reasons why you're right. I am the master at this, and it is one of the reasons why I play the role of victim so well. So I apologize. I am still a work in progress, and I'm glad for that.

Beyond all that, I am grateful for this rocky journey I am on. It is amazing to me at the timing of all of this. I feel like I am being molded and tested at a very rapid rate. I truly feel that Heavenly Father is on my side. More than that He gives me assurances and quick "hugs" of the spirit to let me know I'll be okay. And He sends angels like all of you to pick me up when I fall.

So I'm good...and who needs a psychiatrist when I have a journal that talks back:)

Haters

I want to tell you about an experiment I heard about. In a room there were placed several monkeys. In the center of the room was a poll with bananas hanging from the top. When one of the monkeys would decide to climb the pole to retrieve a banana they would get drenched with freezing water. Squealing with surprise, the monkey would immediately leap from the pole without their precious prize. Each monkey in turn would attempt to get the bananas, but would come up empty handed. Soon one of the monkeys was replaced with a new monkey, who had not experienced this consequence. When the new monkey would attempt to climb the pole, all the other monkeys who were drenched at one time, would pull the monkey down. Each time the monkey would start to climb, the others would pull him down. After several times of this happening eventually the monkey gave up. Another monkey was then replaced, and the same thing would happen. Even the monkey who had never been drenched participated in pulling down the monkey who attempted to retrieve the bananas. Eventually all the monkeys were replaced by others who had never been drenched by the freezing water, but none could retrieve the bananas or so much as attempted to retrieve them after being pulled down, and none of them knew why.

Interesting isn't it? The same could be said about lobsters in a bucket. There is no need to place a lid on the top of a bucket when there is more then one lobster inside. Why? Because once one makes an attempt to escape the others will drag him down. Interesting...

Haters are the people that hope to see you fail. They want to see you mess up, and if they don't they will find a way to make you feel horrible. If that doesn't work, they may find others who agree with them and then gang up on you. If that doesn't work...Well you get the picture. They do this because they are insecure about their own choices and decide this way they can feel better about themselves. Why is it that when you try to make your life better, people hate you for it? For example you make the decision to watch what you eat, let's say you refuse dessert, or you don't go back for seconds, or whatever. Suddenly you become the center of attention. "Why aren't you having dessert," they say. Your response, "I'm just watching what I eat." It's pretty direct, no fluff, no muss, very simple. They reply, "OOOOHHHH! You look fine, one little piece won't hurt you. Look how good it is. I can't believe you won't even try it. I made this just for you." And on and on and on. Then others begin to chime in. "What are you on a diet, or something? Hey Jack, Lyenna's on a diet, can you believe that. She's 27 and she's worried about what's she's eating." "Lyenna's doing what?! You don't need to do that, besides it was for you. Mary made it from scratch, you would hurt her feelings if you didn't eat it." "Lyenna, why aren't you eating the dessert. You told me it was your favorite. You always eat this." So now you have a room of people staring at you. All the attention is on you. This is not something you asked for. In fact, your response was as discreet as you could possibly make it. You stare at the dessert that has been shoved in your face. You stare at all the eyes looking at you. And you quietly take the dessert. They all watch to make sure you take a bite, and then you do. You have been dragged down... You are then sad, and begin to question yourself. Why am I doing this again? It's just too hard. What's the point anyway? Interesting isn't it...we are not so far removed from animals.

I have made some very big decisions in my life. I have also made some very big changes. I continue to press forward, despite the set backs, and believe me, they have been coming in truck loads. Thank heavens for my support system. These are people who love me for me. Who see the real value in what I'm trying to accomplish. And do not slap judgements on me because of their own insecurities.

Yes people this is a rant! My heart, as tough as a I paint it to be, has been hurt. My story above is purely hypothetical. Though I have faced those very things, it is not what fuels my anger.
People can be cruel. I am not so foolish that I can't see the underhanded slaps, the kind of comments that are meant to come across as completely innocent, when in fact, their intent is read LOUD and clear.

I have dared to climb that pole, and no amount of cold water, or hands that reach for me will bring me down. And if by chance, I fall, I will climb again, and again, and again, and again!!!! To HELL with those who don't see the value in that. Because I will have the last laugh, when I receive my prize!

I am who I am! I love what I love! Why would anyone want to take that from me? I rejoice in the successes of others. I rejoice when someone dares to make a change. Because they dared!

ANGER...is a second emotion to what is happening inside. It is a response to being hurt, and sometimes it comes out before you even realize what the first emotion was. I am angry, but I cried first. I am fiesty, but I was hurt, FIRST. Guilt, sadness, pain, whatever, ALL OF IT came FIRST!!!

Anything worth while takes work, A LOT of it! I did not get where I am today because I sat on my ass and said a prayer. I worked for it, just as I will continue to do. I pay attention to what I use to fuel my body, and I feel better than I ever have. THAT is NOT a coincidence! And that is not made up to promote anything!!! I wouldn't want it if it came easy. I don't see the value in that. I want to look back at the time and the energy I put into a "project" and be proud of the time and the energy I put into it.

The people I love, and you know who are, love me. Not because I can give them something, not because I failed and now I can be accepted, but because they just love. Purely, innocently, and real. There is no other love I want. I am not perfect and I do not claim to be. And I see nothing wrong with being proud of what I have accomplished thus far. Because, guess what, I-AM-NOT-DONE!!!! So you can come with me, or you can stay where you are and wish you were there. Either way I choose to change the world one person at a time, STARTING with me.

I am a woman and I am pissed HEAR ME ROAR!!!...LOL

Relax

As I continue on my journey to a more fit life I have come to some certain realizations. I can get pretty uptight once in a while, I know, shocking... If I want something bad enough, I have a tendency to obsess about it. I practically beat it into submission. This does not bode well for anyone, especially my husband. He gets the brunt of it. Or my kids they get a pretty big load as well. And me, I get the most!

I had a lovely conversation with Kelcey the other night. I was in one of my ranting moments. By now you know I'm running a business, if you don't... scroll down. Things were not going as I had imagined and because I obsess, this made me rather ornery. My house was a pig sty, my children were fighting, Kelcey wasn't home yet, and I had a training I wanted to attend. So I erupted. Blah, Blah, you, Blah, Blah, you, you! I can be very good at playing the victim. I put the children to bed, and Kelcey finally said, "I love it when you're soooo happy when I get home!" Me..."ROOOOAAAARRRR!" 

Now I truly married correctly:) I married a man with an EXTREME amount of patience, and who reads between the lines rather well. He lets me carry on, and gush negativity like Niagra Falls, and he waits, and he listens. He knows that a sparring match will not fix anything and will only add fuel to an already blazing fire. After I vented all my frustration we then began to talk.

It has taken me 2 days to fully grasp our conversation. I was thinking back to when I got a little NUTS with my exercising, and tracking my eating. I wanted that body. I wanted it so bad I was obsessing. I was doing double workouts on top of my hard workouts. I was counting calories. And I was paranoid about everything I put in my mouth. And naturally I was unhappy. Who could be happy living like that? So then I did the opposite, I started eating anything, and everything I wanted. I was kind of careful, but a full plate of brownies was not beyond me. I fell off the wagon for a while. And surprise, surprise, I put on 5 lbs. Thank heavens I was still exercising because it would have been more otherwise. And then one day I had an AH-HA moment. I realized that stressing about food was killing me, and not thinking about it at all was killing me. I needed balance. I began to eat portions. And I kept it simple. And I stopped STRESSING! And guess what happened? I lost 10 lbs! I lost the 5 I put on and the 5 I had been trying to lose for almost a year. I wasn't hungry, I was satisified. I wasn't unhappy, I was thrilled. Fitness is a journey, not a destination! Did you get that? FITNESS IS A JOURNEY, NOT A DESTINATION!!! I am not done. I may have lost those 10 lbs., but I can get stronger, I can be better cardiovascularly(is that a word?) So I now have "INSANITY" in my possession:) This will drive me to Dig Deep, and keep pushing when everything screams STOP!!! What appropriate timing. I have been finding so many parallels between fitness and life, it's a little uncanny, but awesome! 

Anyway so back to my story...my conversation with Kelcey revolved around my business, which is my passion. This is a journey not a destination. I may not get there today, or tomorrow, but I am getting there. It doesn't matter if it takes me longer than someone else because I am not someone else. It just matters that I get there. I set the standards, and I get to learn these incredible lessons along the way.  I tell you what, I have an incredible story to tell when this is all said and done. Kelcey has been telling me all along, and I finally shut-up long enough to hear it. I can CHOOSE to stress about it and get obsessed and have nothing change, OR I can CHOOSE to enjoy the ride, and finally see those last few "pounds" go where they were meant to go. I am choosing to enjoy the ride. I love fitness, I love exercise, I love Beachbody, and I love talking about it. Does anything else matter? It seems so simple really. Just let it happen...relax...