Friday, August 22, 2014

By Small and Simple

I'm averaging about a once or twice a year post. Not great...never-the-less, life happens and I've found the more we roll with it willingly the happier we are.

Have you noticed how looking back years seem like minutes? Every year I start out thinking how I want to change something dramatically. I want to write a book, become insanely fit, be patient, more loving, more compassionate, play more, read more, be closer to God, be more organized, manage my money, eat out less, etc., etc. My list is literally endless. There are a bazillion things I want to accomplish and I want them NOW! And every year seems like THE year for it to happen. However, I easily lose sight of the prize. Not because I don't want it, but because it's too much all at once. The scripture is true, "By small and simple things, great things shall come to pass." For some reason I have in my head By setting ridiculously high expectations and goals and taking huge, giant steps great things come to pass. It really is a silly notion, but for whatever reason I think I can do it. And then when I inevitably fail I blame it on my weaknesses, my easily broken will, my inferiority to anyone and everyone else who seems to have it all together. The truth is, I can have any of those things. I just have to take small, simple steps. So how do you decide what is small, which one to tackle, or what makes it simple? The simple thing is, I just pray. I pray for guidance. I pray for comfort. I pray that I can be who God sees me as. I pray that I can get through the day. I pray that I can feel like I'm doing something that matters. I just pray...

From the moment I had my first child I've been frustrated. Mostly because I have no idea what I'm doing. And every child after I get more confused. They get older and new problems and concerns emerge. How in the world does one figure it all out? I've been on my knees from day one, praying that somehow, someway, Heavenly Father could help me. I pray that I don't screw up horribly. I wonder and ask why He inspires me to have more. I feel inadequate, and I don't trust my ability. After every child I plead with God to let this be the last one. It's okay to just have one...okay two...well definitely just three...four, REALLY are you sure??!...NO WAY, NOT five??! and yes...even six. What does God see in me that I do not see? I'm not patient enough, strong enough, smart enough, loving enough. I don't have what it takes. I can't handle this...what about my goals, my dreams, my ambitions..... and then the fear quiets down as I kneel. And I feel Heavenly Father wrap the warmth of His spirit around me. I feel Him look into my soul and say..."I love you, I believe in you, I trust you, you are exactly what I need for these children, you are enough, and you don't have to do this alone because I am with you." And then I feel the burden lift, and that simple prayer with all my fears jumbled in a mess, God sees through it, and answers me EXACTLY as I need. Then I feel that I can do it again, because He walks beside me. He is in the details of my life. When I open my eyes I can see Him through it all. He's in it all. That is how we decide what to tackle, or what makes it simple. God is what makes my life. IF I let Him. All the other stuff is just stuff because it is God who sees through it and He knows me. He knows ME. He knows Lyenna, what troubles her, what fills her soul, what makes her laugh, cry, sing, dance, scream. He knows and that's all I need. HE is all I need.