Saturday, January 24, 2009

A Work in Progress

I want to be better. Better at so many things. In fact the list seems terribly long and unforgiving. I have so many dreams and a very long bucket list. Sometimes I wonder if it is, at all, attainable. Can I become a better parent? Maybe less of a yeller. Can I make more money, without resorting to network marketing? Can I read my scriptures at regular intervals, and actually retain what I'm reading? Can I be more soft spoken? Can I learn to hold my tongue, and not always have an answer to EVERYTHING?

I had a talk on being more meek and humble, and someone said "Oh that's perfect for you, you could use more of that." WHAT?! Maybe it's true, as if my list of Things-To-Improve-On isn't long enough, someone actually said that to my face. Should I be grateful? I'm not sure. Clearly I am a work in progress. Why not add to the list patient, and full of love. Let me tell you how much love I was feeling for that person at that moment. Did this person actually think I didn't know I needed those things? Maybe I come across as arrogant. I don't know, I don't know people's first impressions of me, or even their second impression. In fact, I've known this person for a while so the third and fourth, or even millionth impression is not doing me justice. So YES, to this tactless person, I will be sure to add those to my list Thank You! What would a person do if they didn't have someone else pointing out all their flaws?

So to reiterate I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS! I had a nickname not so long ago Drill Sergeant ____! I'm not proud of it. Sure I joke about the nickname once and a while, but honestly I don't want to be that person. I really don't want to be thought of that way. I had someone tell me they didn't like me when they first met me. What do I say to that?!! Oh, but now they do, once they got to know me. Am I the kind of person you have to get to know first before you like me? I don't want to be that person either. I'll tell you what I seem to be good at, though, bringing out the honesty in people.

Yes I want to be better. I know my rantings are pointless, if anything it makes me feel worse. So here is my joy. . . MY KIDS they love me, even when I yell they love me. KELCEY, I am so grateful for his love, his strength, and his testimony. MY HOME, it is small, and gets more cramped by the day, but it's mine, and I love it! THE GOSPEL, it reminds me every day that Heavenly Father loves me, shortcomings included. MYSELF, I know it's an odd thing to say that brings me joy, but let me explain. I know who I am. I know where I came from, and I know where I want to be. I could write down a lot of things that I don't like about myself, but I am not self-loathing. I want the best for me, just like everyone else wants for themselves. I think if we all wrote down a list of things we want in this life, we would find a very similar list. We are not all that different. In fact, I think we're more alike, after all we came from the same Father. So to my critics out there. We are not so different. Maybe if we got to know the real person inside these imperfect bodies we would find something beautiful. I am saying this more for myself. There are people I didn't like at first either, or even after the millionth time I am working on that. I am working on finding that beauty there. I applaud the coming out and telling it to my face. At least you didn't do it behind my back, and perhaps it made me more aware of how I come across to people. I will be better, I promise.


  1. OH Lyenna, how much I relate to you right now, with exactly the same issues. I had someone say, to my face, recently that "oh, Tina doesn't have ANY opinions..." in a very sarcastic way. I thought I was an ok person and like to joke around and yet, apparently I am very offensive? I am a very honest, up-front person who does not play games. NONE. Maybe I don't belong with the rest of the "gamers" Thats ok. Like you, my family accepts me, and loves me anyway.
    I have had terrible self esteem my entire life and having people point out my flaws only makes it worse. So, you and I are so in this together. Maybe its part of our genetic make up to not be phoney and fake just to have friends. Those that are our friends are the friends ultimately want anyway. I'm on your team though, and think that being an honest person is nothing but good. Way to go at loving who you are, where you are, and desiring to be better. ME TOO! You go girl!

  2. let me join you on this boat! my name is tanya hancuff, and I am a work in progree(applause!) that's the whole pint of this. whenever "people" point out any flaws in my children, these flaws come from me, and everything good they possess comes from their dad...i don't think so. anyway, you are terribly humble to take that comment and look for any truth in it and just throw the rest away. your wonderful!

  3. Lyenna! Well, I don't know much about how you come across in first impressions (since I've known you my whole life), but I do know that EVERYTIME I'm around you, I leave wishing I were a little more like you! I think you're an amazing person! We're all a work in progress...thank goodness we have eternity to keep working, right? And thanks for the reminder...there's so much I want to be better at too! Love ya!

  4. I love you how you are, Lyenna! I love that you say the things that I'm too chicken to say. That might be considered "bold" but I don't think for a second that it means you aren't humble. You have amazing self-confidence and I know you give the credit where the credit is due. I've always admired you, but maybe that's because you've never been my coach. ;)

    BTW, I SO excited that you're posting again. I always check every few days just to make sure.