Okay so I admit I cried, and started feeling sorry for myself. Will I ever be done having children? What if I have to have 20! My life won't be mine FOREVER! I'm never gonna be done raising children, etc., etc. Just pathetic really. So as I'm crying I suddenly just stop mid-sob...no joke. And I thought you know what, I'm okay. And that was that. So maybe I'll have 5 kids, or whatever. It just goes to show you I'm not the one in charge. And it took me a while to realize I was actually okay with that. That sounds funny, but it's the truth. And then I took a me moment that lasted about a week, to just be still for a while, and take a good look at what was around me. I didn't actually have a conscious thought I'm going to take a week to ponder and be still. It just sort of happened. But this has been the BEST week I've had in a very long time. It's like I finally realized that being a mom is the best thing I've done. Aside from marrying my husband of course. It's challenging, competitive, fun, boring, exhausting, enlivening, peaceful, comfortable, uncomfortable, loud, quiet, busy, silly, crazy, joyful, painful...I bet you could throw any word in there and it could fit. All of these things have brought me joy in some way. I look around and my house is a mess...cluttered. The dishes and laundry are never done. My bed isn't made. The house is lucky to be vacuumed once a month, or mopped for that matter. We only have one bathroom to share with 5 people. Toys are ALWAYS on the floor. The kids have to share a room and because of that they NEVER go to bed on time. The carpet needs to be shampooed desperately. I have a GIANT coffee stain on my carpet, and no I don't drink coffee people. It was a home remedy to get throw-up smell out gone terribly, terribly wrong. That's a story for another time. I could go on and on because the "oh-look-how-bad-I-have-it" list never ends.
So in my week of taking a look I realized my mind is always racing. I put undo stress on myself by the minute. I want to be this or that. And I've gotta be here and be this kind of person by this time. Or I'm failing! I can't, I can't, I can't whatever. It gets exhausting and it sends my emotions on a roller coaster. "Stay out of her way, cuz you never know what mood she'll be in." It's nuts. I realized I am so worried about being wrong about everything. What will "they" think? Will I be liked? Am I doing this right? Do I say too much? Am I too loud, or disruptive, or irreverent, or opinionated, or, or, or, or? It's a lot, and for whatever reason discovering that it was a boy calmed me down considerably. It gave me a reason to be still, and have faith in who I am and my purpose. Why is that? Hmmm
Life's a funny thing. A little unpredictable...
I don't know.
I'm having a boy. And I'm doing a little dance. And I know I'll be fine, even when I'm not. And I smile at my mess, at my kids, and at myself. I'm having a boy, and I'm thrilled:)