Saturday, May 22, 2010

I Didn't See That Coming!

Things have been a little...different. I went to get my ultrasound on May 14 to find out the news of boy or girl. Now when I say I was convinced it was a girl... I'm talkin' there was no other way around it. It had to be a girl for reasons I have explained to a number of people that I won't go into here:)...Anyway, the news spun me around a little. "It couldn't possibly be a boy! There must be some mistake. Nope I definitely know that boy part, there is no way around it. It's a boy." Now as a side note, I LOVE boys! They aren't as emotional, a little rough and tumble, but so am I so it's no big deal, rough and tumble I mean; being emotional just comes with being a woman so don't judge me:) Just having a girl meant I could be done, which belongs to a story that once again will not be addressed here...sheesh.

Okay so I admit I cried, and started feeling sorry for myself. Will I ever be done having children? What if I have to have 20! My life won't be mine FOREVER! I'm never gonna be done raising children, etc., etc. Just pathetic really. So as I'm crying I suddenly just stop joke. And I thought you know what, I'm okay. And that was that. So maybe I'll have 5 kids, or whatever. It just goes to show you I'm not the one in charge. And it took me a while to realize I was actually okay with that. That sounds funny, but it's the truth. And then I took a me moment that lasted about a week, to just be still for a while, and take a good look at what was around me. I didn't actually have a conscious thought I'm going to take a week to ponder and be still. It just sort of happened. But this has been the BEST week I've had in a very long time. It's like I finally realized that being a mom is the best thing I've done. Aside from marrying my husband of course. It's challenging, competitive, fun, boring, exhausting, enlivening, peaceful, comfortable, uncomfortable, loud, quiet, busy, silly, crazy, joyful, painful...I bet you could throw any word in there and it could fit. All of these things have brought me joy in some way. I look around and my house is a mess...cluttered. The dishes and laundry are never done. My bed isn't made. The house is lucky to be vacuumed once a month, or mopped for that matter. We only have one bathroom to share with 5 people. Toys are ALWAYS on the floor. The kids have to share a room and because of that they NEVER go to bed on time. The carpet needs to be shampooed desperately. I have a GIANT coffee stain on my carpet, and no I don't drink coffee people. It was a home remedy to get throw-up smell out gone terribly, terribly wrong. That's a story for another time. I could go on and on because the "oh-look-how-bad-I-have-it" list never ends.

So in my week of taking a look I realized my mind is always racing. I put undo stress on myself by the minute. I want to be this or that. And I've gotta be here and be this kind of person by this time. Or I'm failing! I can't, I can't, I can't whatever. It gets exhausting and it sends my emotions on a roller coaster. "Stay out of her way, cuz you never know what mood she'll be in." It's nuts. I realized I am so worried about being wrong about everything. What will "they" think? Will I be liked? Am I doing this right? Do I say too much? Am I too loud, or disruptive, or irreverent, or opinionated, or, or, or, or? It's a lot, and for whatever reason discovering that it was a boy calmed me down considerably. It gave me a reason to be still, and have faith in who I am and my purpose. Why is that? Hmmm

Life's a funny thing. A little unpredictable...

I don't know.
I'm having a boy. And I'm doing a little dance. And I know I'll be fine, even when I'm not. And I smile at my mess, at my kids, and at myself. I'm having a boy, and I'm thrilled:)


  1. It sounds as though Heavenly Father, once again, knows exactly what you need. :) I'm all too familiar with the fact that my plan and His plan are very different.

    I cried when I found out I was having a boy the first two times, the third time I just laughed, threw my hands up in the air, and said "Whatever".

  2. I know exactly what you mean about feeling like we fail all the time. I don't think we could be mothers if we didn't think that. I know I put undue stress on myself as well. I think realizing that we can't do it all, no matter how hard we try, and remember what is really important, can help. For that day at least. :) Congrats on the boy!

  3. Lyenna! I don't know if you even remember me, but I blog stalked you from Tanya's blog. And this post just made me have to finally reveal myself :) I have felt so overwhelmed and emotional this week at the prospect of also having four kids. I think we have almost the same due date. We are expecting our fourth boy in early October. I am completely excited about it, but today I had a breakdown, at church in the bathroom, and i felt so much that I was failing or that I would fail all four of them because I am not this or this or this. And luckily I calmed down enough to dry my tears and go to class with no one knowing. Your post completely reminded me of my own purpose and all the things I already know. ANd now I am looking around my own mess, my own sleeping kids, and remembering how blessed I am and how much I know that Heavenly Father knows exactly what He's doing with my life and my family, and He has confidence in me even when I don't. Thank you so much! Congratulations on the boy! We LOVE boys!!!

    Cheyenne Bigelow (Hancuff)

  4. Last Tuesday we found out we are having another boy too! I cried throughout the entire ultra sound. I thought for sure having a girl would mean I'm done and am now wondering if that means I'm supposed to have one more after this's so true, life definitely throws us a few curve balls every now and then and somehow we survive!

  5. I was reading this, thinking "You have to talk to Kimberly!" But apparently, she already read it. It's so hard trying to have things go OUR way when Heavenly Father has other plans. His plans are always the best, just not always the easiest...or NEVER the easiest! I need to take a week to be still...cuz I'm stressed about three! I can't even think about 4 yet! I'm excited for you, though! Three cute little boys, and one spoiled little girl :) Love ya!